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Sometimes I find myself going through this circular thought where I blame my younger self for overliking men. I went through the phases of guilt and shame, then quickly snapped out of it. I snapped out of the good/bad, strong /weak woman dichotomy and zoomed in on one basic fact….It is ok to love. It is also ok to love freely and enjoy things freely.
One of the saddest things we ever did was designate love into specific boxes. Meaning that you can love your friends and family. You can be aware of acquaintances. You can love your lover, but anything outside of those categories we are left in conflict. When you feel instant love for a new friend. We go into a panic. When we feel instant love for a prospect, we go into a panic. We tell ourselves that’s too much and to calm the fuck down, but what if you had a neat place to rest your emotions?
What if you could create a category for yourself where that type of love exists freely with no limitations? What if it were ok to love new people? What if you could do it and not lose yourself? What if you could feel it and just acknowledge that it is there? What if we stop asking ourselves if is it low self-esteem? Are we lonely? Or are we bored? And start saying wow look how much love I have to give.
The thing about love is that it is something you are designed to do. Without people, without love, without connection or community, you would wither away. Your health is severely impacted if you aren’t in a community with others. So, why is it such a bad thing? If you have self-respect can you also give love freely? Can you feel excited about a new prospect and still live your life and not compromise your values?
Dear over-liker,
There is nothing wrong with you. You are not beholden to these emotions. You are literally generating them and what you can give to others, you can surely give to yourself. So, how do you give love freely and keep yourself grounded?
1. Stay present.
When you are future-oriented. you take the little information you have and create a story about a person. The story may be a lie, it may make you sad, or hurt. The story may tell you who this person is, instead of allowing them to slowly show themselves and make decisions from there. When you stay in the present, you deal with the facts. So, if you are on a date and you are feeling girly around him. The facts are that this is fun. Are you required to leap or can you take today as it is?
2. Write down all of your feelings.
Write down everything you feel in a journal. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed. It’s good your heart is pumping strong. Look at all of the heartbreak you went through, and still, your heart is at full force. Lucky you, not everyone recovers and has a resilient heart like yours. Of course, we don’t want to keep breaking our hearts, but right now your heart is strong.
3. Pre-write all of your boundaries down on an index card
Keep them beside your mirror to remind yourself of the values you created for yourself. Remember these are your rules. These are your standards. You are at the center of every decision. Your comfort and joy is your priority. So, based on these things what environment do you predict based on your past will be good for you? Who do you feel can cultivate that environment with you?
4. Finally four, indulge a little
Feelings are there. They are present. Even if you want them to be quiet, they will talk loud. So, that means sometimes you have to indulge these feelings and indulge in the dramatic. Give yourself a good show, but remember, you are delicate and you are trying your best to be there for yourself.