Hi there! And welcome to this week's episode. Previously, we discussed the elements of a good friendship. This week we are going to discuss what to do when a friend betrays you. This is a timely discussion because I’ve noticed an upswing in videos discussing the heartbreak of losing someone you once thought was a friend. So, before we get into the main topic let’s discuss me, the song of the week, and the main topic.
So about me…I celebrated my birthday this week, it was one of my favorite birthdays. It was intimate with a few friends, I got art, plants, champagne, and love. I also received a lot of love from social media. The girls were telling me how much I changed their life and perspective. They told me the steps that took, and the results are phenomena. I can’t believe how many people I’ve touched, and I hope to continue doing my work because it feels good to help women around the world.
Song of the Week
The song of the week is a mix on SoundCloud. Please look it up because it is so good and sexy. I honestly thought nothing could top the original Alien Superstar, but this beat just brings a new life to the song. It is Alien Superstar + Sailor Moon. I will link it on my Twitter timeline @charliestoolbox too, so you can easily access it.
Now onto the main topic…coping with friendship betrayal. This topic is a big one because we’ve seen it play out with the friendship betrayal between Megan Thee Stallion and her former friend Kelsey. We’ve seen this friendship crumble and we now know the costs of having a friend who is obsessed with male approval or a friend who has secret resentment towards you. I also want to touch on it because I’ve had over a dozen requests from the CTB girlies who want me to touch on this topic and I’ve been dealing with my own friendship breakup. I thought now is the perfect time to discuss what happens afterward, the steps toward acceptance, and finally releasing yourself from the pain this breakdown caused.
A friendship betrayal is one of the most difficult experiences you have because this is your chosen family, you poured into it, and you were more than likely yourself than you would be around your family. So, when that bond is broken, it sucks, and it hurts. We go through the motions with no tips on how to get out on the other end. So, we are going to discuss this and hopefully, this episode will serve as a toolbox for you.
When you go through friendship betrayal, the first thing you should do is acknowledge and accept these difficult emotions instead of avoiding them. When you experience a betrayal, it is easy to be like fuck them and move on but eventually, complex feelings will arise.
o You will remember the loss of trust, vulnerability, love, connection, friendship, experiences, etc. So, it is ok to say you are disappointed in this ending. You don’t have to be above it.
The two primary emotions that usually come up after betrayal is sadness and anger.
o These two emotions are so powerful and engulfing that you must find a way to release them.
o You must release that anger because it can sit inside you and rot. You can be direct and curse that friend out! You can write a letter, burn it, and let it go. You can direct that energy into something constructive like boxing, swimming, or an extreme workout. You must also grieve the person you lost because at one time you enjoyed their company.
o Like a romantic relationship, you will feel the waves of these emotions. They will happen at inopportune times. You will ruminate over the issue and feel the emotions as if they were new. So, get in the habit of releasing these emotions in a constructive way.
o You can find the lesson in this breakdown and keep that lesson to inform your friendships in the future, but at one point you must let the moment go. You can’t dwell and allow this to sit on the top of your mind forever. At one point you have to say to your mind that enough is enough.
Focus on what you need
o Sometimes we can get caught up in what we lose that we forget to take care of our needs.
o We often forget that we need love during this hurtful time. Or we need time with our other friends to remind us of what love and friendship are. Or we need time away from the mess so we must do things like disconnect from the chaos in whatever way we feel necessary.
Share with other friends
o You don’t have to go through the ups and downs of your emotions alone.
o You need validation that your feelings are ok and that your other friends will hold space for that. Also, sometimes you need a “that bitch is crazy,” from a friend. It will make you feel better and can provide another perspective.
Ask yourself if a lesson is there.
o Review this relationship and find the lesson in it. It also may not have a lesson, so you decide for yourself.
o For example, when my friendship dissolved, I learned two things:
§ 1. I know who I am. I used to always try to figure myself out, but when faced with projection I realized that I had a clear understanding of who I am and that gave me even more confidence in myself.
§ 2. I should choose more people who have worked through their childhood trauma and are confident in themselves because when they are not, my confidence can be misconstrued as something else.
o Reflect on this friendship breakdown, but don’t ridicule yourself.
o Ask, did you contribute to the friendship breakdown?
o Could this problem have been addressed earlier?
o Did you see the signs earlier?
o Is there a character trait that you can point to that you should avoid in the future?
o As much as it hurts, you must move on. So, block your ex-friend on social and do not look at it again. Stop ruminating. Also, if you want to be ritualistic and write down your hurt, burn it, and let it go.
Acknowledge and accept these difficult emotions
Release your emotions
Focus on what you need
Share with other friends
Ask yourself if a lesson is there