A couple of years ago I had a big shift. I took all of the energy I used obsessing about men and decided to focus on me. I deleted tinder and bumble. I no longer went out for the sole purpose of making sexy eyes with the hottest guy at the bar. I decided that my choices would be because of me, which meant happy hour was for the sole purpose of getting cheap drinks and not meeting new men.
As I shifted from being boy crazy to me crazy, my conversations became less about men. I changed so much that I noticed how many of my bonds were built on our shared pain. If not pain, it revolved around strategizing to get the man of our dreams. If not pain, we complained about the dating landscape. How men no longer court. How men longer call. How men no longer pay for dates. As I grew into me, I became irritated by this incessant need to always talk about men, especially at brunch. Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda showed us the importance of girl talk at brunch. They made brunch a woman's sanctuary where we laid our burdens down. However, most if not all of their problems were men or men adjacent. At what point do you ask yourself is that all they had to offer? Better yet, is that all we have to offer?
Society has indoctrinated many of us to think our main source of joy should be men and family. There's almost no representation in media of a woman who is happy with just herself. Almost every woman on television or in movies have just one problem. They just can't get "the guy" or they are too damaged by "the guy" to keep existing. Conversations revolved around men so much in the media that Alison Bechdel and Liz Wallace created the Bechdel-Wallace test to which asks, " whether a work features at least two women who talk to each other about something other than a man." Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2015/08/call-it-the-bechdel-wallace-test/402259/
Once I realized how socialized I was to prioritize men in my life. I actively decided against it. Unfortunately, the more I grew more aware of this tendency, the more I pulled away from friends and the more they pulled away from me. I understood why, but I didn't like it. I wanted them around. I wanted to laugh boisterously like we've done so many times. I wanted to drink until I had the urgency to dance, but how do you tell your friends they are boy-crazy? How do you tell them to stop talking about the topic they love the most?
1. Let them in on your new mindset. You'd be surprised how receptive your friends are to new information. If you let them know about your breakthrough, I am sure they will receive the information well. They may even ask questions. 2. Lead by example. Sometimes you do not need to say anything. Sometimes people see the change and want insight into this new transition. Lead by example and allow your actions to inspire those around you. 3. If they aren't interested, don't judge or criticize them. Not everyone will be interested in your breakthrough. So, be cognizant of your friendships. If they want to just talk about boys, let them! If they aren't interested in your new mindset, that is ok. However, there is no need to judge or be critical of them. Friends are for specific purposes, and perhaps this friendship is for fun. Let's face it, some boy drama is just pure fun entertainment. 4. Plan meetups that are interesting and use the background as a point of conversation Instead of going to brunch, why not choose another place to meet your friends. Use the event as a topic starter. For example, going to art shows open the conversation to different topics that you can use. Instead, swaying back to the old tried and true, men. 5. Find new friends who are on the same wavelength Friends are for different purposes. If they aren't helping you sustain your new mindset find friends who are. With apps like bumble friendship, meetup, and twitter, you can find the community needed to sustain yourself. 6. Some people you have to let go. Some people like to be in a constant cycle of pain, rejection, and obsession.If you find yourself unable to be around that person because of this, then it might be time to let this friendship go. We grow out of people often, and that is ok.
Friendships ebb and flow. Sometimes they grow together and sometimes they don't. However, despite these changes you have to always honor yourself. If your friends aren't able to meet you where you are, sometimes you have to let them go.