Hey there!
Welcome to Charlie’s Toolbox. So, we are going to change our format a little bit, but I am positive that you will love it.
So, Welcome to this episode of Charlie’s toolbox titled, “ How to feel stable while dating. “
Before we get started, I’d like to talk about some upcoming dates that I am super excited about. July 19th I will be releasing my book titled, “How to Center Yourself While Dating a Man.” It will be on Amazon and my website charliestoolbox.com for $20.00. I’ve read and reread this book and I am so impressed with the material! Like damn, I am good! And damn there will be an army of strong women unphased by the shenanigans of men.
I also have my Patreon charliestoolbox. I just released an episode where I go into great depth about my worst heartbreak and what I did to overcome it. It is honest, raw, and powerful and I hope you all sign up to get a dose of my life and tools to keep you going while dating.
So let’s get started.
This past week was super tough. There was nothing “wrong” per se I just felt out of control and out of my body. I did my normal routine, but I just didn’t feel good. I had an attitude all week. I yelled at my neighbors. I read into the text of my guy. IT was just BLEH. Finally, I got back in my body and had the time to think, and I have some really good content for you. I’ve been dating for a long time and I realized that all women no matter how cool you are experience some sort of anxiety around dating. It isn’t that you lack self-esteem. It isn’t that you need to love yourself. You are nervous because men are erratic. They are erratic in the true definition of it too. They can say they love you, and then completely change in one day. They can promise dedication, and leave you when you have cancer. They can also be the cause of your death. I hate to sound so somber, but the anxiety we feel as people who date men is real. Not only that, we’ve been trained to love them despite all these huge red flags.
And we do. We love them. We dream of them. We think about them. We think about how to get them. We think about sex with them. We think about them being our lifetime partners. We think about them being a dad. We think and think and think /7 get anxious, tired, and frustrated because deep down we want them. We want love. We want that feeling, but we just aren’t sure we will ever have it with someone with character.
In the past, I’d offer you to find more fulfillment in your life. In a way that was insensitive because women do have that. It is our code. It is how we are taught. It is what we do. We find friends. We find hobbies. We go to school. We get a good job. We figure out there is a problem and we try our damndest to fix it. We do have a fulfilled life, we just don’t have love. However, I do ask you to practice emotional self-sufficiency. I also say indulge yourself. Those feelings of loss, yearning, missing, wanting romance, indulge it but do so with boundaries.
The truth is when you fight against or ignore your emotions, you end up making them stronger and louder. That looks like a slight annoyance that quickly escalates to uncontrolled rage. It can look like lying to yourself about how much you want love, going on a date you don’t like or care about, and falling in love because they gave you a little attention. When you break down and admit you are lonely, sad, and a little bit disappointed about your love life, you give space for grief. You allow your body, mind, spirit, and heart to unload. However, when you lie you pretend. You act like an empowered woman when you are an afraid girl hoping to be picked. We see through the façade and You remove that mask quickly.
When you tell the truth, you realize that it is ok. A guy makes you laugh for the first time in a long time, and you start to get excited by him. It is ok! When you tell the truth, you know that you’ve been single. You know you haven’t had this in a while. You will even indulge in this moment with laughter and flirting. When you know the truth and acknowledge it, you know you’ve been single and disappointed and because of that, you indulge in the moment but ultimately know you will take your time to make sure it is what you want. Do you see how that works? at that moment, you enjoyed the moment and told the truth about yourself. That wasn’t that hard. Welcome to feeling and experiencing boundaries. When you feel, tell the truth about yourself, experience the moment, and have boundaries! Baby the world opens up.
Here’s another example.
You are going on a date with someone well-established. Before the date, you start to get anxious and start tearing yourself apart. What do you do? At that moment you take a breath and be honest. That looks like this…I know whenever you are anxious your go-to response is to tear yourself apart. I see you are trying to do that now as I prepare for this date. It’s ok. I know this is a trained response. However, I will say there is nothing wrong with me. I will also say that of course, we are going on a date today we are equals, why would he not want someone as special as me? My friends chose me and that makes sense. It also makes sense why he’d want to take me on a date. I am me. You still may feel uncomfortable and that is ok. Ask your body if is there something else it would like to say. Ask yourself do you need to reschedule so that you can feel a bit better in your body. What do you need to accommodate you? Anxiety is natural. Dating anxiety is natural. Everyone has it, but the difference between a person enjoying their date while being slightly anxious and the other who lets her anxiety ruin her dating experience is how they manage it.
The former may use the anxiety as an indication of excitement and possibility. The latter may use her anxiety as an indication that she is not good enough. Which one are you? And how can you make dating feel lighter? The only way to manage anxiety is to honor yourself by respecting your wishes. If you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready. If you feel anxious, talk to yourself and ask yourself what you need. If you get over-excited by the date, that’s ok you are excited by the possibility of love. You know that this excitement is coming from not dating for a while. You’re ok with that, and you are aware of that at the same time. You can go through all of the twists and turns of dating, feel whatever you feel, and not bring shame to it. You can date and be excited by the prospect and also respect yourself by honoring your boundaries. This is not mutually exclusive.