This week I want to discuss embracing peace and the struggle that shows up while embracing it. What led me to this topic was my own life. Right now, my life is peaceful. I mean everything is going right. I am finding my passion in my work with Charlie’s Toolbox. The podcast is fun, the writing is fun, and the stories empower me. My dating life is peaceful. My relationships with my friends are peaceful. My family and I are for the most part peaceful. Everything is peaceful. When I say peaceful I don’t mean perfect, I mean I can manage my life with a smile.
But even though I felt that peace and stability, which I find incredibly empowering. I had this aching feeling that it would change. Once again I would find myself on the ground heaving, pleading to God to help me through it. I could not fathom that peace could be mine, forever. Instead, I enjoyed my peace, while holding my breath.
What is it with that? Why was I uncomfortable with a peace that was hand-delivered to me?
There are two parts to why I felt discomfort while in peace:
One, my perspective has been skewed most of my life.
Two I was not taught how to embrace peace. I never saw it in adults I was around.
Constantly reliving past adverse experiences kept me in a loop. I believed negative experiences were my fate. I believed that I had no choice. that life whipped me back and forth. That was a lie. When you grow up under a fatalism, you truly believe that adults have no control over their lives. It’s always life that happens. mishaps are never their fault. It’s always God, bad luck, or “life.” So, whenever negative things in my life would happen, I’d blame the world. I mean it couldn’t be me, right? My choices? My Beliefs? It had to be another’s fault. This was my philosophy my whole life. Then, I changed it.
I was no longer Ms. Life just happens, and I dictate life. No longer blaming everyone around me, how did I participate? What choices did I make that led to this? My shift took time. It took my 30th and my now 31st year and though I am empowered like never before. It still there some PTSD from living so helplessly. There are moments when my neuro-transmitters misfire and tell me that the rug is about to be pulled from under me because life is too smooth. There are those moments where you tell yourself this is too peaceful because your mother used to expect the worst if there was peace. I misfire, and those who are reorganizing their life to feel more attuned with who they are may misfire. We may be in the moment and excited about what we are doing, and then we misfire and ask ourselves when is the bad going to happen.
Fatalism doesn’t ask if something bad will happen, it expects it and prepares for it to happen. And when you’ve seen every person in your family operate under this assumption it is hard to cultivate a healthy relationship with peace. This brings me to point two.
Most of our parents have no relationship with peace. They may be the parent that is angry every single day. They may be the parent who is helpless, lonely, and hurt. They may be the child and have yet to grow up. No matter what the category is they have no relationship with peace and have not demonstrated to you what a peaceful life is. You may understand the concept but may have never seen It shown outside of film and television. Peace, like all things, is a skill that can be learned. Peace is not a commodity. It does not look like the commercials, TV, or movies. Peace is inside. it simply requires tools to dust off the dust that life leaves on it and embrace it. Some of those tools include.
1. differentiate between observing vs. commentating.
According to Dr. Puff from Psychology Today. Observing consists of you sticking to the facts. While commentating focuses on your interpretation of the facts. For example, if you are dating someone and they tell you they can’t see you this week because they are exhausted. When you observe you decide that the facts are that he is exhausted this week. However, when you comment you make a story about the facts. He may be ignoring you because of something you did. Another example, you may walk into the club and see everyone staring at you. The facts are people just looked at you. However, when you commentate you can create all sorts of scenarios where people hate you and want your downfall.
2. You are in control of your external environment.
Sometimes it hurts to change your environment and the people in your environment. Sometimes, you want people to grow and adapt with you. Sometimes you want the problem to be solved and some people don’t give you that option. When folks don’t give you that option you have to decide for yourself what is required. What is required for peace? Who interrupts it? Can they be there, but at a distance? Do they need to be a priority? Does their need have to supersede yours?
3. Get off social media
Social media tends to distort our reality. We believe it is way worse than what it is because we are inundated with information. Allow your brain the opportunity to experience YOUR present moment. Allow your brain to explore. Allow your brain to enjoy YOUR life. Disconnect from other folks’ lives and perspectives and enjoy ours for once
4. Finally, four. Peace may look boring.
When you are used to volatility, day-to-day life may not necessarily appeal to you. You may feel you are lacking something, but maybe you aren’t. Maybe, you never experienced the joy of silence, nothingness, normality, and evenness. Maybe you have to learn to love it. Maybe you should treat peace like an acquired taste because your normal pallet has been instability, try a little peace for a while.
And on that note…. Take care!