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Constructing a healthy model (Self-directed Healing)

Maslow's hierarchy of needs is a motivational theory that depicts a five-tier model of human needs. most of our parents believe fulfilling the physiological need and sometimes safety needs is a form of healthy parenting. often their parents, your grandparents, did not fulfill their physiological or safety needs. so, your parents overcompensate by providing you with physiological needs but often that is where they stop. your job is to move through the hierarchy through reparenting.

An unhealed parent will make small adjustments to their parents’, your grandparents’ model, and call it progress. they’ll provide you with what they needed growing up and call it great parenting. they won’t work on themselves and heal their trauma, instead, your parents will change themselves externally so that you aren’t receiving the same treatment they once had.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with this model, the children never move past the physiological stage. instead, their emotional needs are ignored just like their parents because they aren’t given their children what they asked for, they are giving their children what their parents couldn’t’ give them.

Another tension that arises out of this parenting is that they won’t always recognize their children’s complaints. it won’t register because how could you complain when you could have your grandparents. you could have the drunk, drug addict, the financially irresponsible, hateful, or abusive parent they had. so, how dare you complain when you don’t face what they faced?

this model of parenting is usually unhealthy for children. parents have not only ignored their pain but are also ignoring their children's needs in favor of their healing.  if your parents were unable to provide emotional stability, you will have to go through the process of reparenting yourself. to start, read parenting books so that you know what a healthy parenting model looks like, and do that for yourself. during this process, you will unlearn a lot of bad habits and it will be uncomfortable. you will also realize that everyone will not be able to be on this journey and you cannot coach others to heal when they are not ready.  plus, they did not ask you for help, so don’t disappoint yourself by encouraging others to do something they did not want. quick reparenting tips brought to you by the holistic psychologist:[3] 1.     discipline a.     you were not taught healthy habits and rituals as a result, you will experience mental resistance and all of the thoughts that tell the reasons not to do it. b.     solution: promises to self i.     one small promise each day to yourself and making yourself do it despite what your mind says. 2.     self-care (helps with creating and staying at a healthy baseline) a.     sleep -the recommended hours b.     nutrition-provide yourself with nutrient-dense food c.     movement-make an obligation to move at least 30 minutes/day d.     connect with nature 3.     joy (many did not have joy in their childhood) a.     develop play in your life- i.     dc has annual pillow fights. volunteer at an animal shelter and takes dogs on walks. b.     develop interest and hobbies-find things that you like to do i.     attend lectures and see what may pique your interests c.     human connection-releases hormones 4.     emotional regulation a.     maintaining a baseline where we can navigate highs and lows of life  i.     meditation allows us to observe our thought  ii.     observing thoughts, and choosing where we put our intentions b.     breathwork

things to remember: 1.     you are not a victim, a victim would continue the cycle; however, you are stopping it. 2.     your parents only knew what they knew. they could not give you what they did not receive. 3.     give yourself what your parents did not give you. if you were not affirmed, learn how to affirm yourself even if you don’t believe it. 4.     the brain is plastic and with repetition, you can rewire your thoughts and eventually you will believe it. 5.     assume that the world will provide you the perfect environment to heal. 6.     self soothes when you are feeling neglected or ignored you have to learn how to self soothe and realize that you are enough 7.     celebrate your wins. 8.     allowing yourself to be your authentic self a.     that means allow for others to see those unpleasant sides of you and know that they will be capable to handle it. 9.     separate other opinions of yourself from yours a.     do not place others' visions of you above your own. "good parenting means you were taught emotional intelligence (eq) resilience, boundaries, and the mechanics of a healthy relationship.” [1] maslow’s hierarchy of needs[2] [1] [2] [3]

1 commento

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