Is He Your Equal or are You Managing Him?

The Wall Street guy who ruined the economy with equanimity, the villains in Tyler Perry films, and the actual abuse from the 1% have created in the imagination a distrust for wealthy achieving men. They are sociopaths in our imagination and their targets are the weak, willing, and naïve. So, when we date, we avoid wealthy, busy, and excellent men like the plague because we don’t want that type of exploitation in our lives. Then, we set our sights on just getting by, and average.

Now those are not inherently bad, but why is your instinct to avoid wealthy men, while with average men you exude confidence? Why are you so cocky when the guy you are dating isn’t busy versus when the man you are interested in is genuinely busy? Your anxiety flares up only when you are around great men. So, your reaction is to choose partners that you can manage, because what feels better, waiting for a full man with a life to reach out to you? Or the man with no life who answers you whenever you text?

We are driven by safe bets. We think there is a formula for avoiding pain, but the pain is life. Think about it, no life has not experienced pain. Every single spiritual leader has experienced pain. So, why are you acting naïve as if you can fully avoid pain? Even when you are avoiding pain, you are in pain because you are unable to truly connect with people because of your fear of being hurt. So, why are you acting like there are true methods to avoid pain? Instead, why not understand this social fact and know that you are resilient enough to face it?

We think that if we choose well enough, or safe enough, we can avoid the stories we see on the internet. So, we don’t aim high, we aim for convenience because aiming high would mean you’d have to risk something. Yet, aiming for convenience means you don’t have to risk anything and you can still push the direction of the relationship.

As a result, you are left with a man who does the bare minimum. You have to push, and you have to instruct because you didn't seek out a man who could benefit you. You sought out a man who you could control. You have to teach him how to date because you taught him in the beginning and told him where you all were going and possibly paid for it.

 You believed you were smarter and better than him, but you thought he had potential because he held your attention long enough for you to give in. So, you ruled him until both of you realized that you were coddling and patronizing him. He recognized that and now there’s this tension. Most would leave to save their dignity, but some step out just to prove you aren’t that great and others don’t care because they are comfortable using your money and comfort. The results of which are either being single again or dealing with someone lazy, who just doesn't give a fuck. Now, this is how you go wrong. Who Typically Manage Men             Some women never enter into this type of relationship because adding more to their plate would exhaust them, so they seek out partners who can thrive on their own. Other women are risk-averse and would rather find a passive man that they can rule because it reduces the number of errors that could happen. Or because they are so used to working hard, they find projects to exert the same energy they exert at work. [1]

For high-achieving women, you have to understand that ruling man is just another way of trying to control life and avoid pain. You aren’t attracted to chaos. You are just constantly in high-stress situations, and a man who does not object is in a low-stress situation. Or you can exert the same energy you put into work since that is you on autopilot.  In these types of relationships, everything is already planned so you have nothing to worry about. Plus, who do you trust more than you? So, you stay in it, seek it, and are furious when onlookers say you deserve better.

The good thing is that this does not have to be your fate if you decide that your standard is your equal and not any man who is willing to occupy your lonely heart and bed. The rule of thumb to remember when dating is that if you are constantly leaning in, then you are creating a relationship dynamic where you are managing and chasing someone to do things how you like them. If you like wasting that energy and are content with avoiding pain in that way, continue down this path. However, if you want a man to randomly send flowers to your work without you coercing him, plan a date without you asking him, and buy supplies for the house without you mentioning it, then you have to date your equal.

[1] https://www.businessinsider.com/why-intelligent-and-high-performing-women-fall-for-toxic-partners-2019-7