Charlie: Hi there, everyone! Welcome to this week’s episode of Charlie’s Toolbox. Today, we’re diving into a topic that’s both complex and incredibly important—self-abandonment and the journey to self-love. I thought this would be a great topic to explore because, so often, our habits are actually self-abandonment disguised as love, care, or compassion. And I want to articulate the line between these things so that you don’t end up betraying yourself under the guise of love.
But before we get started, let’s ground ourselves with a mantra. Repeat after me:
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“There is nothing about me that is wrong.I have accepted this, allowing me to follow my inner voice.I honor this voice and all its needs, and no one convinces me to ignore it.”
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All right, let’s dive in.
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Recognizing Self-Abandonment in Relationships
Charlie: When we think about self-abandonment, it almost always shows up in our loving relationships. We might find ourselves disappearing into another person’s existence because we love them so much. Or maybe we let go of our healthy habits to make room for those we care about. Sometimes, we even give up our own needs, wants, and desires to make someone else’s life easier.
After we do these things, we accept these concessions as an act of love, and they become proof that we care. But the question is: does our love actually require us to sacrifice parts of ourselves for it to be sustained? And why must we give up these parts of ourselves for it to continue?
This is the question I want to explore with you today. I want to dive into why our definition of love often includes cutting pieces from ourselves, and how we can shift toward a healthier, more balanced understanding.
Understanding the Roots of Self-Abandonment
Charlie: When I sat down with this topic, I thought back to the times when I’ve abandoned myself for others. At the time, I thought it was okay because my definition of love was shaped by my family. Unfortunately, their version of love had no boundaries; they expected servitude. If you didn’t fall in line, they’d punish you, whether through force, alienation, or even invoking God.
So, when I began to explore this idea of self-abandonment, I realized I had to do a few things to shift my mindset:
I had to be clear about my own definition of love.
I had to understand the gravity of what I was doing to myself.
I had to be okay with people’s reactions.
And I had to realize that I’m no longer a kid. The punishment I once feared is something I can now protect myself from and remove myself from.
Let’s go through each of these steps so you can define them for yourself. By doing so, you create boundaries that bring you closer to embodying your vision of self-love.
Step 1: Be Clear About Your Definition of Love
Charlie: In my experience, love has often been used as a tool to exploit others, to demand sacrifice, or to excuse bad behavior. In the family system I grew up in, if someone harmed you, that was overlooked because “they loved you.” If you gave up your own habits or self-respect to keep someone in your life, that was seen as okay because you “loved them.” If someone did something unconscionable, it was glossed over because of love.
As a result, my idea of love was dysfunctional. I was conditioned to believe that love meant self-abandonment.
To change that, I sought out new definitions of love. One that resonated with me came from bell hooks, who described love as built on pillars like care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, trust, and honest communication. These pillars grounded a lofty concept and gave me the ability to quickly recognize when love was missing—whether with others or with myself.
For example, if my routine keeps me happy and afloat and isn’t respected—either by myself or others—then love isn’t there. These pillars or guardrails help you cultivate love. When you understand what love is to you, you can adapt and remix it, as long as you honor yourself. That brings us to point #2.
Step 2: Understand the Gravity of Self-Abandonment
Charlie: When you abandon yourself, you teach yourself to be okay with disappointment. The long-term effects? Lowered standards, low self-esteem, and unhappiness.
You lower your standards because you get used to your needs not being met—it becomes normal. You develop low self-esteem because you stop trusting yourself to come through for you. You might even interpret people’s mistreatment as something inherently wrong with you instead of seeing it as a sign to set boundaries, let go, or move on.
In the end, you’re left unhappy, doing things you don’t really want to do. You might call it love, but deep down, it feels like disappointment, dissatisfaction, and a lack of fulfillment. So, when you’re tempted to let your needs go for others, think about the long-term consequences.
As you define love and understand the weight of self-abandonment, you’ll want to set boundaries quickly. But there’s another piece of the puzzle—preparing yourself for others’ reactions. And that leads us to point #3.
Step 3: Be Okay with People’s Reactions
Charlie:When you abandon yourself, it benefits a lot of people. You make it easier for them to live, be happy, get what they want without much effort. When you start taking that energy back for yourself, some people will not like it. And instead of hoping they won’t react negatively, save yourself the stress and expect that they will.
People around you may be upset. They might cry, guilt-trip you, hate you, manipulate you, or even take things away to get you back in line. You’ve made their life easier, and they won’t want to give that up. But remember, you don’t have to fear these reactions, which brings us to point #4.
Step 4: Remember, You Are an Adult
Charlie: Here’s the thing: because you’re an adult, no one can punish you. If someone mistreats you, you can block them. If they disrespect you, you can remove yourself from their presence. If they manipulate you, you can call it out. If they’re passive-aggressive, you can make them own it.
You’re no longer a kid who must acquiesce for survival. You don’t have to bite your tongue out of fear. You don’t have to suffer through people’s reactions when you have the power to walk away or say no. You can choose not to put up with mistreatment, and any backlash is just a response that you can ignore or keep yourself away from.
They can’t control you because you’re an adult, so stop living as if they can. Remember your power, and use it.
Closing Thoughts: Redefining Love
Charlie: As you consider each of these points, I hope you’re reminded that love shouldn’t demand servitude or the erasure of your individuality. It should allow you to exist as a whole, authentic person alongside those you care about.
By understanding your worth and shedding old beliefs about love rooted in fear or past conditioning, you can start building relationships that honor both yourself and others. Let’s redefine love—not as self-sacrifice, but as a balanced, mutual exchange that nurtures growth, respect, and self-acceptance.
Thank you so much for joining me today. I hope this episode gave you some insight and inspiration on your journey from self-abandonment to self-love. Until next time, take care of yourselves and remember: you deserve to be loved for who you are, without sacrificing yourself.
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