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Why Performing for Men Will Hurt You

Every couple of years, an interview shows up on the timeline, where they ask a woman over 100 about the key to happiness or what helped them live so long. The answer is always the same: they decided against marriage, they don’t deal with men, and that created enormous peace. I used to laugh at these types of interviews because old women with attitudes are very pleasing to me. But when you look past the feel-good nature of the interview, you realize that what they are saying is true.

It’s true in the sense that being with men is exhausting for women in romantic relationships. The exhaustion comes from the unequal distribution of labor in the home. It comes from teaching or coaching men to develop emotional intelligence. From Kin keeping, where women organize the holidays, reach out to family members, and plan the dishes. Or mental load where women remember the doctor’s appointments, parent-teacher conferences, or plan meals for the week. When you look at it objectively, you realize that the centenarians who made that snarky comment about men are telling the truth.

Unfortunately, when men are around, they siphon your energy. So, the question begs to be asked: if you are taxed in such a way, why on earth would you add additional labor to your plate? Why on earth would you go on the first date and perform for men? Just to be chosen to do what I previously listed.

When you break down what you are doing on dates, in relationships, or situations and how you try to prove yourself good, worthy, or wifey material, you will see that you are doing a few things that require a lot of work.

For one, you are observing your prospect. You are watching him, figuring out what he needs. What type of woman does he want? What type of woman would he take care of? What type of topics delight him? Or what type of man is he, and can you change him into the one you need?

Two, you are developing that persona in your head. You are sorting through all the women you know and trying to figure out how to be a mixture of those women to align with the persona you think he wants.

Three, you are adopting that personality so they can choose or like you. You are doing this in conjunction with conversing, and that seems like a lot of work. It also looks like a person who does not think they are inherently worthy, interesting, and can be loved as they are because if you believed in your worth, you’d think that people would find it an honor to spend time with you.

Beyond the labor you are doing due to gender roles and the performance you are putting on while dating, patriarchy is nonsensical. It doesn’t make sense, which means the wants and needs of men will often not make sense. For example, men want to have a great sexual experience with women but don’t want them to be sexually experienced. Men want women to be docile and let men lead, but they chase women who are brazen, career-oriented, and dictate their own lives. What they say they desire versus what they do and want is always contradictory or nonsensical.

So, what good is using your energy guessing what men want, changing yourself to be that, and committing to it when they don’t know what they want? Furthermore, if you follow what they say, you end up contorting yourself, being smaller and quieter, and ultimately crowding yourself out of your own life because you want a man so badly!

Outside of the labor and the guessing game, you are creating a power dynamic that is not to your benefit. If they know they can control you by merely existing, what do you think this is to them?

You are saying through existing alone that it is easy to manipulate you because look at what you did without words. Imagine what could happen if he spoke sweet nothings? Imagine what could happen if he did the bare minimum. What do you think he could get from that? And as bad as that sounds, men think that way. They think about what they can get out of you, and if they feel they can get a lot out of you, they will.

Finally, if these points don’t hit you hard, ask a woman who did it and is divorced. They will tell you it was the worst thing they could’ve done. They will tell you about the time wasted, the regrets, and how they lost themselves. They will tell you that their adequacy created an inadequate many-boys. They will tell you performing the feminine or womanhood exhausted them and aged them. Finally, they will tell you never to do it. So, listen to them and me! And decide today not to perform for men because when you do, you ultimately lose so much while they gain a lot out of you.

And on that note, you take care!


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