Updated: Mar 15
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Today we are going to discuss Mistakes, Core Beliefs, and Self-esteem. I know you guys are like Charlie, that is a lot to chew off for one week but don’t worry we are going to investigate a common practice that often leaves you feeling unworthy. So, when I was a child I was often punished for operating in the world as a child. My parents like most black parents was afraid of the world and they desired to keep me safe, but their methods were most certainly unhealthy. They not only failed to explain their concerns about safety, but also physically or mentally punished me for mistakes. That punishment taught me two things one the world was unsafe. Two I am bad and unworthy.
When I grew up I became the adult who would make a mistake at work and suddenly the thoughts start churning. I am incapable, unworthy of the job, and bad. I also became the adult who pandered to people so that I could be liked, which made me feel loved. After going through this taxing practice, I had enough. I was tired of feeling tired. I. I was tired of feeling sad on really good days. I was tired of it all. So, I started studying, self-assessing, and therapy to understand the problem.
I realized the problem consisted of multiple points:
1. I did not know how to process mistakes
2. whatever thoughts came after the mistake was my own thoughts about myself
3. I have to heal both.
To understand point one. I had to investigate mistakes.
When I was punished for mistakes as a child. My parents took the very common but extreme route. They physically or verbally harmed me. to teach me not to make the mistake, and never explained why? Like the kid I am and I am sure you are, you will come up with anything that makes sense. Often you land on they are harming me because I am acting like me. I must be bad as I am. I must be unworthy. I must be unlovable. and you grow up into an adult whose actions reflect that. Now the framework has developed. You are bad, instead of you made a not-so-good decision.
When You aren’t taught the healthy way to interpret life. And You weren’t assured that you are loved no matter. You have a decision to make. You can provide for that for yourself or you not. If you want to provide a safety net for yourself, you have to reparent yourself and extend yourself the grace and kindness you wish you had growing up.
So, that looks like better understanding mistakes.
Mistakes are a guidepost. They teach you what you need to work on. They teach you what to expect about yourself. Your boundaries. your likes and dislikes. They teach you how to be a better worker, lover, child, friend, and parent. However, they don’t say anything about your worth. You can’t add or subtract mistakes to see if you are worthy or not. There is no line or limit you have to achieve to be worthy. It’s there for you always if you want it.
When you make a mistake, you need to think That was a poor choice. It was an unfortunate action and it can be learned from. mistakes are something everyone has done. This means there are many people who have made mistakes and not destroy themselves in the process. And you can too.
Whatever you think after a mistake, those thoughts were already there. In essence, the thought has always been there, you just used the mistake to make it acceptable or to feel comfortable with thinking this shitty about yourself. Take this moment to write down the thoughts that happen right after you make mistake. That will tell you a little bit about your core belief.
Now don’t feel bad or down on yourself when you realize you have these beliefs. . Feel inspired by the knowledge. You now know that underneath all the things you think of yourself, there is a core belief that may be hurting you. Now, isn’t that amazing! Isn’t it amazing to know about something that you had no clue was controlling, sabotaging you, hurting you, beating you down? Aren’t excited to start the process to release this? Aren’t excited about healing? The possibilities? What that look like?
Now the process of reframing mistakes should be easy. To take the mistake off of your body and to put it on the action should help you differentiate between action and label for which you call yourself.
However, releasing yourself from a core belief may take some time. You’ll have to wrestle with a belief that has been with you since childhood. The good thing is your brain is malleable and you can replace the core belief with something else When you decide to tackle the thought that imprisons you and you feel revived again, and soon you will realize that investment of time, energy, and money, was well worth it.