To the girls whose mothers were their enemies “I apologize for making you my container for anger” -Mother on Iynala’s show to her son Unfortunately, your mother is sorry. Your father is too, but this is about your mother. She chose men over you. She believes men over you. She sells her soul for men. She forgives liars, cheaters, and abusers because she has the fantasy of keeping her family together or having a family. She has babies with loser men. She chooses loser men. She loses herself in men. She has no self-worth, no self-esteem, and no self-awareness. She becomes depressed if she does not have a man. She berates you when her man treats her badly. She berates you just because. She destroys you because you are filled with light and your light upsets her. Her mother did it to her, so why should you come out unscathed? She hates seeing your light. She hates your self-esteem and so she sabotages you. “In general, people who do not really like themselves are incapable of genuinely loving other people, especially their children” -Robert Firestone As a result, you walk into this world small. You don’t know how to advocate for yourself because your mother abused you. If you talked back, she’d beat you. So, you are trained to withstand abuse both verbal and physical. You wrap yourself up in men because you’ve been taught that happiness can only be achieved with a man by your side. You settle a lot because of this. You find the “good” in men because you are desperate and quick to settle. You think about creating something. You don’t. Your mother’s voice of not being good enough circles in your head. You start, but can’t complete because you are exactly what your mother articulated. You choose loser men. You allow loser men in your life. They are familiar and you associate familiarity with love and he feeds your pain. He affirms the holes created by your mother. Anytime he needs something, he looks at that hole and uses it to get exactly what he wants. Nonetheless, according to you, you made it out alright. You have a home and you have a degree, but you are unhappy, bitter, and settling. So, that's enough for you, right? Parenting Yourself We can no longer accept this style of parenting. We can no longer accept this metric for good, happy, and alright. Your mother did not do a good job, but you cannot go back to the past and change what she did. However, you can take ownership and heal the damage that's already done. Below are some tips.
What you felt is real, do not let your mother force you into thinking that it was a lie or inconsequential.
Your mother may be well-meaning, but her actions impact was negative. Well-meaning does not make up for toxic actions.
Her projections are a result of her not liking herself, and not a result of you not being likable. Your mother has extended her shame and pain to you, that is not you or your fault.
Your mother’s “truth” is packaged toxicity. It is mis-attuned and harmful. When she does this stop the conversation with “your words are not helpful, so I think we should end the conversation.”
You don’t have to be grateful for everything because not everything she did for you is worthy of gratitude. Your mother did not model love, motherhood, and kindness. Your mother did not raise you well. Admit that and start to heal from it.
The metric for fine is no longer just having a place to stay and food to eat. The metric for fine is great mental health and the ability to process things healthily. You could not do that growing up; however, you have that ability now.